This weekend I was preparing to do a presentation for a language evaluation in my Khmer class. Because I had been studying the book of Exodus with one of my teachers, he encouraged me to share about the life of Moses. I was nervous about the idea of having to share because I am more confident in my listening abilities than speaking abilities. I tend to stumble over my words if I'm not really connected emotionally to the story even when speaking English. So when speaking Khmer, a language that I have to work very hard at if I want to express myself articulately, it's much easier to speak from my heart or from experience.
The weekend had flown by with Chinese New Year celebrations & visiting friends (I'll write another blog just about that). I had yet to prepare what I was going to say and I was supposed to give my presentation to my teachers on Monday. As I laid down in my bed Sunday night I began to ask what the Lord wanted me to share. How do I relate to Moses? What do I have in common with the Israelites? The more I began to think about these questions, the clearer it became & I had my topic.
Cambodia has been like a desert season for me. Since I set foot in this country I've felt dry, thirsty & out of place. I've often felt like a wanderer with no purpose or the purpose hasn't been made clear. Like the Israelites, I've questioned God, His Presence & His purpose in my life. I've felt alone & misguided. I've made mistakes along the way & have failed to listen to His voice even when He has attempted to speak to me. I've often wondered, "How did I end up here?"
The neat thing about the desert is that there is a purpose for it and we must all go through it. It is an in-between stage where one must learn to TRUST and WAIT on God. Each of us is guaranteed to face desert seasons where we don't understand God or the process He is taking us through. Yet it is our responsibility to remain faithful and obedient to the Spirit of God as He leads us & TRUST that He will direct us in the right direction. It was necessary for the Israelites to go through the desert to get to the promised land. Though it is difficult, I'm learning to be thankful in this season. I'm learning that maybe the reason the Lord sent me out here isn't so much about the work that I would be doing for Him or for others but about the work He would be doing in me.
This post is simply intended for viewer feedback to produce food for thought. If you opened this blog, please answer the following question according to your initial gut response. I am not looking for a 'Biblical' or 'correct' answer here, just honest opinions...all are welcomed
What are the first three (or more) things that come to mind when you hear the term "missionary?"
Phnom Penh just finished celebrating the Water Festival. This is a celebration usually marked by boat races and thousands of people swarming the city to attend all the festivities. If any of you recall hearing about the bridge stampede last year that killed over three hundred people, last week marked the one year anniversary of that tragedy. This years water festival was very different. The boat races were canceled because of the flooding & many people went home to their villages to be with their families instead of staying in the city.
The girls and I had three days off from Daughters & language school. We decided to spend one of these days relaxing poolside at the Kabiki hotel, what feels like a tropical oasis hidden away from the dusty, busy city streets. It was an absolutely gorgeous day; a bit overcast & breezy. I lazily lounged while sipping my smoothie & reading my latest book of interest, "Blue Like Jazz," a very honest & witty account of one man's struggle through owning his faith. I am in a place where I can relate very well to the things he is expressing...almost as if they were my words.
Because The Kabiki is a hotel that caters to families, soon I became distracted by three kids. There were two big kids probably about ten years old and the tag along brother who was probably no older than four and a half. I watched as they played with their toy sharks as if there were no worries in the world. I observed as one kid naturally became the boss and assertively instructed the other two how toy sharks should be handled.
The youngest eventually was left alone toy-less in the kiddy pool & as the big kids went on to play in the deeper waters. He immediately began whimpering under his breath for the plastic shark toy that he felt robbed of. His whimpering soon turned into a soft cry that eventually turned into weeping, then screaming as he threw a tantrum.
I watched as his dad walked over to comfort him. He squatted down placing his hands on his sons shoulders as he gently spoke to him words of consolation. Unsurprisingly however, this father's patient attempt to calm his son only made things worse. His son chose to keep his eyes fixed on the problem rather than the love his father was trying to offer. "I want the shark!" he screamed as he stomped his little feet. Eventually mom came over to handle the rest of the situation and carried him away. His fit only grew worse.
My initial reaction was to giggle a bit as I was amused by his cute, four and half year old tantrum. Soon my amusement turned into agitation as the pitch of his screeching yelps rose higher & louder & wouldn't stop. Finally they packed up their things a left.
Little did I know God was going to use this child to school me.
"How many times do you throw fits with Me when you don't get what you want out of me? How often do you refuse to accept the comfort I freely offer? How often are your eyes set on the 'toy shark' rather than My love? How often do you forfeit the blessing I have in store for you because you refuse to shift your focus?"
I can't help but wonder how differently the situation would have played out if the boy would have chosen to receive the Father's comfort in exchange for the toy shark...
This is a question each of us is faced with in life.
In fact, Who Am I? is such a prevalent question that it was even the title of todays sermon given in church. Hence, this blog.
Like it or not, our entire lives are built around this question.
Who Am I? Along with, who do others say that I am?
We take all kinds of personality tests and self reflective analysis to get to "know" ourselves better. We try to pinpoint our gifts so that we can fulfill our God given purpose in life (assuming that we have one and are in some sort of pursuit to find it).
Today is my 24th birthday...Woohoo!!!
BUT... after the laughter & celebrations have subsided, when things have quieted down & I'm alone in my room at midnight, I'm left to ponder this question yet again...
Who Am I?
Who am I?
When everything that I once found my identity in has suddenly been stripped from me.
Who am I?
When I am surrounded by a people, language & culture that is different from anything I've ever known or understood.
Who am I?
When things that once were easy have now become difficult tasks.
Who am I?
When I left everything familiar to proclaim the goodness of the Gospel in a foreign country when I question its power in my own life.
I have no simple solution to this question...
Except that my prayer for this next year is that my identity would be found in Christ alone & that others would see Christ in me.
I will leave you with this poem written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer whilst in prison before his execution for conspiring to assassinate Adolf Hitler. He was a great thinker and writer whose work is still impacting us today.
"Who am I?" -Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Who am I? They often tell me
I would step from my cell's confinement
calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I would talk to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I would bear the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I know of myself?
restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
yearning for colours, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
trembling in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine.
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "Who am I?" in Letters & Papers From Prison (New York: Touchstone, 1953/1997), 347-8.
As a Christian, I believe that this brokenness is a result of the condition of sin embedded within each of us since the fall of man. I have always been aware of brokenness in the world and in my own life. I have always had a compassionate heart and have wanted to fix everything and everyone around me.
I have wrestled with God because of all the
brokenness I face on a daily basis.
Is it fair that because of the choice of one man we have inherited this wretched condition?
Maybe not.
But is it fair that we each have turned our
backs and forsaken the Living God?
No.
And yet, He gave us one man, His Son, Himself, as an act of grace so that we may be
restored to a right relationship with Him.
Jesus came to earth, made himself nothing, was hated by men and suffered death on the cross so that we, broken, lost, hurting people would have the opportunity to know what it means to be made whole.
I have experienced a new level of
brokenness since coming to Cambodia.
There is brokenness everywhere I turn especially in the
lives of those who have not yet experienced the
healing hands of Jesus.
THAT IS WHY I'VE BEEN SENT...
Romans 10:14-18
King James Version (KJV)
How then shall they call on him in whom they have not believed? and how shall they believe in him of whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a preacher? And how shall they preach, except they be sent? as it is written, How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things! But they have not all obeyed the gospel. For Esaias saith, Lord, who hath believed our report? So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. But I say, Have they not heard? Yes verily, their sound went into all the earth, and their words unto the ends of the world.
He lives in a village on the outskirts of the city.
When I visited him for the first time a little over a month ago, I had the opportunity to hang out with his friends at the school, meet his teacher (who is a Christian in the public school system which is virtually unheard of) and met the family he lives with.
This is Panha's family.
Panha is an orphan and was taken in by them. They have given their entire lives to do full time ministry. They have a small church called Family Fellowship of Christ that is directly associate with the orphanage they run. (I visited last weekend and was very blessed). The orphanage is not an orphanage with many rooms and plenty of space. In fact, this orphanage consists of one room shared by 11 people (the children and the family shown above). Some days they do not have enough money for food but as they walk in obedience to God's calling,
He continues to provide all their needs.
Faith like a child.
Sometimes I forget what that is.
I find myself often questioning and wrestling with God
instead of trusting Him.
I make life and even my walk with Christ
more complicated than it needs to be.
There is so much we can learn from the simple faith of a child.
The way a child's eyes light up when they get excited.
The way they laugh when something small is amusing.
Their outlook on life consisting of a natural ability to
give and receive love, hope and trust.
Sometimes I meet children whose hope has been stolen by selfish adults and circumstances they had no control over. Childlike faith is having the ability to say that no matter what the circumstance, even if it may look impossible, I will
TRUST GOD and
BELIEVE in HIS GOODNESS NO MATTER WHAT.
Hmmmm...this is definitely an on time reminder for me!!!
Last week, I received a letter from Panha. He wrote me a song in Khmer (it was translated for me into English). This song is full of God's promises to us when we learn to operate in childlike faith.
There is a river that flows from the Lord.
This river makes the lame man walk and
Gives sight to the blind
It releases people from prison
This river flows from the Lord
May the water come into my Spirit
Water, please come fill my body
Please come and fill me with joy
"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."
Thank you all for your prayers and support concerning the beauty workshop and teaching that went forth! Each program went really well! I believe each Daughters client present was positively impacted. I was so blessed to be given the opportunity to pour into their lives and to listen as they shared their hearts. I held a workshop for two separate groups of clients on Wed and taught at the Friday service. On Friday singer/songwriter Leslie Sanazaro graced us with her presence and performed her songs that delicately address the issues of the sex trade. All the clients absolutely loved her music and were touched by it. You can read more about Leslie's experience and how we got connected on her Daughters of Cambodia page here! After all the teaching and singing took place, there was an opportunity for clients to stay behind and receive prayer if they so chose. I was shocked to see how many stayed behind asking for prayer! God is SO GOOD! With the help of a short term YWAM team, we closed with a powerful time lifting up the clients in prayer.
My hope is that as a result of the teaching that went forth, more women will view themselves the way the Lord does...
precious, unique, beautifully and oh so wonderfully made!
Above: We did an exercise where everyone got to look through magazines (Khmer, western, Chinese) and cut out an image of one person they believed to have ideal beauty. It was interesting to see what kind of women were chosen. The majority cut outs were of fair skinned Korean and Caucasian models though there were a few who cut out pictures of mothers with children and associated beauty with happiness, being a good mom and having a happy family life. After they cut out and shared, we talked about how many of the images we see in media and magazines are unrealistic. We also talked about the importance of learning to love ourselves just the way God has created us and that's beautifully! During the Friday service I reiterated some key points and emphasized that true beauty should radiate from within.
Above: Leslie playing so gracefully on her nifty portable keyboard. Good thing she brought it along, the power was out at the center all afternoon! She still managed to touch the hearts of everyone there. Thanks Leslie! : )
Everywhere I go, I hear people calling out to me "Sa'at! Sa'at!" Which means "beautiful beautiful."
In Cambodia, I am the standard of beauty...
Fair skinned with a pointy thin nose.
Countless times, no matter where I go, people tell me I am beautiful. If I tell them they are beautiful in return, 98% of the time they shy away and begin to say, "but I'm dark and my nose is big and flat. If I was white like you I would be beautiful."
Here, people avoid the sun at all costs. They wear long sleeve shirts and sweaters in 100 degree weather to keep their skin from the sun. They buy body wash and beauty products with whitening bleach so they can have fair skin. It has saddened me that they desire so badly to be something they're not.
Then I began to ask myself...
How many times have I baked my skin in the sun just to be a few shades darker? How much money have I invested in beauty products to achieve a certain "look"? How many times have I compared myself to someone else and thought, "if only I was shaped like her," or "if only I was tan like that." How many times have I hidden behind makeup because I didn't want people to see my insecurities?
The answer is: TOO MANY.
Too many people try to be something they are not.
And end up spending their whole lives chasing vanity.
I am fed up!
I am fed up with the lies that we need to look a certain way to be beautiful.
I am fed up with striving to be something I am not and never will be.
I am fed up with discontentment and insecurity.
I am fed up with the pressure women feel to appease the lustful eyes of a man.
It's time to exchange the lies for TRUTH!
We must begin to believe that we have been fearfully and wonderfully made by a Creator who does not make mistakes!
We must begin to believe that we are unique and were knit together by a loving God in our mothers womb.
We must begin to believe that true beauty is NOT defined by body image but by heart condition.
You can tell me I am beautiful, but unless I believe it for myself your opinion means nothing.
Please do not get confused:
I am not against outward beauty, fashion, or makeup. I'm not against dressing up or celebrating femininity.
I AM cautioning against the obsession of these things.
How do you feel about yourself when the makeup is washed off? How do you see yourself when looking in the mirror? Are you fearful of people seeing you "undone"?
My point is this:
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
Standards of beauty differ from culture to culture & from person to person.
Therefore, we can derive that aesthetic beauty is subjective. Why then, work so hard to obtain it?
1 Peter 3:3-4 exhorts women specifically not to let our "adorning be external by the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing we wear. But to let our adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."
Proverbs 31 when describing a desireable wife does not mention anything of outward beauty but all of inward character. Proverbs 31:30 tells us that "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
Lastly, 1 Samuel 16:7 says that "The Lord sees NOT as man sees." And goes on to explain that "man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."
I have been given the opportunity to teach on beauty and self image next week at Daughters. I will be holding two workshops on Wednesday, June 8th and will be speaking in the chapel service on Friday, June 10th. Leslie Sanazaro who is a gifted and inspiring singer/songwriter from the states will be joining me on Friday with some pieces from her new project "Daughters of Cambodia" that talk about beauty. I am so excited! She's a great musician and you can download her music for FREEhere.
Please pray for me as I am preparing and praying about what to share/how to share it. Please pray that I wouldn't be sharing my own ideas but that every word spoken would be spoken by the Spirit of God. Please pray that I would believe with all my heart the things I am teaching. Please pray that next week would be powerful and that each person present would begin to believe that they are...
