Today I feel pathetic and weak. 

I am home resting because I have this weird flue type thing that's gotten the best of me. I tried to go in to Daughters and as soon as I hopped off the moto I wanted to throw up. 

I'm not sure what bug I've got but my head is heavy and I'm just. not. feeling 100%...

So, I've spent the last few hours at home surfing the web on my cool new kindle-fire (thanks AIM) and reading a couple blogs by Jamie The Very Worst Missionary. She's not your typical missionary, neither am I, that's why I like her. She has a really awesome picture wearing aviator glasses, watches "The Bachelor" and uses a couple curse words every now and then. Reading her blogs has been refreshing because I can relate to her. 

She's authentic and real and human all BEFORE she's a missionary!

A few blogs back I asked what people thought of when they thought of missionaries. I disappointingly didn't get as much feed-back as I would've liked. But, even thanks to the few responses I did get, it was clear that there is a stereotype that fits the term. I never responded with my thoughts. So, here they are....bare with me.

I feel that there's this cool new trend in the American Church at least about having a heart for "missions." I have a couple issues with the trendiness of it all. First, missions shouldn't be a trend because trends wear out and God's heart for people never wears out. Second, people who are at "home" then tend to forget that they are called to be just as much missionaries right where they are amongst their friends, families and co-workers in their communities where they already know the culture and speak the language. And third, people who are oversees then get put on some kind of pedestal and are thought of as super people by the people in our churches back home. FYI, this puts a lot of pressure on us and creates a false perception that it's not okay for us to be weak, to struggle with faith, with sin, to get frustrated, tired and sick (like I am today).

I would just like to clear the air and remind everyone that we too are people, not super people who are just trying to learn what it looks like to love God and love others authentically...

The only difference? We just happen to be doing it oversees. 

Oh yeah, and it's okay to have a bad day. 

Thank you Jamie for creating the space to be honest! It feels really, really good!

WE LIVE IN A WORLD OF EXTREMES.

EXTREME POVERTY & EXTREME WEALTH FOR EXAMPLE.

I am learning that wealth cannot be measured. It is relative. There will always be people who are richer and poorer than me each who have been given the gift of life. There will always be people I can help and others that may want to extend a helping hand to me. This is the pattern in which our world goes around. 

That is why it is so powerful when Jesus commands us to...

LOVE OUR NEIGHBOR.

What exactly does that look like? 

I know I fail at this task EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

But, I want to get better at it. 

What would it look like if everyone LOVED 

his neighbor as he loves himself? 

In Cambodia at least, it would look like no body going hungry... 

It is custom here to ask whoever you meet during a meal time (breakfast, lunch or dinner hours) if they have eaten already. The phrase is "ñyam buy hai null" which literally translated means "eat rice already or not yet?" If the person responds saying "null" or "not yet," it is typical that the person who asks would offer to share his meal. I absolutely adore this aspect of Khmer culture and think it is a great principle that each of us could learn from. 

In my opinion, this is a great example 

of how someone can love his neighbor literally. 

Offer him a meal. 

But, because we live in a world of extremes, people still go hungry. Cambodia, along with the rest of the world seems to be divided by classes and they don't seem to interact with each other much.

THE RICH KEEP GETTING RICHER, THE POOR KEEP GETTING POORER 

and the gap in between just keeps growing. 

The rich in Cambodia are driving Lexus', Mercedes, and Rolls Royce's, 

while the poor don't even have shoes to protect their feet. 

The rich are eating feasts every day while the poor are praying for a neighbor

 to ask if they have "eaten rice already" and be offered to sit down and 

share a meal with them so they don't go hungry. 

I spoke with a woman today who is a recycler. She takes her cart out every night rummaging through peoples garbage with her husband and youngest daughter in hopes of finding things of value like cans and plastic bottles she can sell back. She earns about 5,000 Khmer Riel a day. That's roughly $1.25 USD. 

This is when reality hits...

"I just spent twice that on the smoothie I had for lunch. My plain ticket to fly here cost more than an average Khmer persons yearly salary. My 'savings' is just rotting away in a bank account so that I am financially 'secure' next year when this person may not even have a meal today." 

Yet, it is relative. I wouldn't know how to survive on $1.25 a day. To me, it's a miracle she's still alive and able to feed her kids. She is so much stronger than I am. She has to be. She has to have the strength to keep going or her family won't have food for the day. She knows what it means to live from day to day God bless her soul. 

Through observing these patterns of extremes, through asking questions, I am learning to be thankful for the blessings the Lord has given me. I used to feel guilty when I would compare my circumstances with those of the poor but I've come to find that

 feeling guilty won't change anything...

So, I begin to ask God,

 "What am I to do with all that I've been given? How do I respond to the extremes of life in a way that is honoring to You?"  

The answer I've received so far is to... 

LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! 

One day at a time.

One person at a time.

 As I myself want to be loved.

No one likes to talk about the tough stuff. You know, the fact that we are a bunch of messed up people living in a messed up world. 

I just found a powerful project against sexual exploitation and trafficking called Unearthed Pictures. They do a great job at boldly addressing the reality of sexual sin and brokenness. Their target is men. They are trying to bring awareness to men concerning the negative effects that their sexual appetite can have if left un-dealt with.

I live in Cambodia working with women and lady boys that have come out of the horrors of being sexually exploited as well as trafficked. I drive by the brothels everyday that are disguised as coffee shops that are always filled with men, every hour of every day. I just came back from a trip to Phuket, Thailand that is known for being a hub for trafficking victims from around the world. The issue goes far beyond the traffickers. The issue is at the heart of each person that has a choice to make about his or her sex life. The more we talk about it, the more the issues will become exposed, the better chances are that people will take action in their own lives and help others in the process. 

Below is a video called Jacob's Story of a former sex trafficker and a blog post taken from the founder of Unearthed Pictures that sends a very powerful message that everyone needs to hear...especially men. 

FORNICATING ON THE BATTLEFIELD- by Tony 

I ASK MEN ABOUT THEIR SEXUAL BEHAVIOR ALL THE TIME.

Most guys are surprisingly honest when anonymity is a factor. We've spoken about porn, oral sex, prostitution, lust, marriage, thoughts, immorality, intimacy, desires, homosexuality, masturbation, sexual abuse, incest, greed and idolatry. I've eaten meals with pastors, executives, bankers, doctors, religious people, church planters, frat guys, students, entrepreneurs, traffickers and average guys that work 40 hours a week and stay relatively pure. Family guys. Single guys. Mentally disabled guys. Prisoners. Abusers. Protectors.

THE MAJORITY OF US ARE SEXUALLY BROKEN. LET'S JUST GET THAT OUT ON THE TABLE.

Most of us had absent fathers. 1 in 5 of us were sexually abused. Every one of us has learned the art of concealing sin. 80-90% of men in the church are currently using pornography. Some of us don't need a girlfriend because we're in full-fledged relationship with our hand or laptop. And some of us know the feeling of cold emptiness after leaving a strip club or a brothel. Some of you men know what its like to go to sleep next to an empty shell of a woman that used to be your wife because your infatuation with photoshopped women has extinguished the intimacy. You're no longer lovers...you're roommates with children. Some of you are fathers that see your sexual sin manifested in your children, but you're too fearful to expose it in your own life...regardless of the damage its doing to your marriage and family. "What if coming out with this stuff makes things worse?" is the only question you've thought of.

I know where you're at. I know what you're thinking. And I know the lies you're deceived by. I've been where some of you are at.

A good friend of mine has battled sexual addiction all of his life. He's a graduate of Bible college and is part of a healthy church. He's got a lovingly invasive community and has had numnerous Godly mentors pushing him towards Jesus for the last 7 years...but he still uses pornography every chance he gets - disabling the X3 watch on his phone and computer. If he's alone for longer than 30 minutes with an internet connection, he begins searching for filth. He still habitually masturbates. He lies about his sin. He conceals his secrets. He manipulates Christian women into sinning with him...then he lies about that. He exemplifies the epitome of selfishness and a lack of self control.

But he also calls Jesus his Lord...

Are you that guy?

It's a complete anomaly to me...that men can be sexually enslaved while following Jesus....yet that's what the overwhelming majority of them tend to be living.

Can the two coexist? Are they diametrically opposed? Isn't one the antithesis of the other?

I'm not going to quote your favorite authors...or offer free accountability software. I don't have a PDF to read or an invitation to a men's conference. You've already tried those things. You've read "Every Man's Battle" and made countless commitments...which you've broken. You've tried accountability. You've gone through a "freedom session." You've confessed your sin. You've been rebuked. You've disconnected the internet. You've been kicked out of the house. You've destroyed the computer. You've memorized the Word of God. You've pleaded with Jesus to remove the thorn in your flesh. You've shouted, screamed and wept. You've tried everything...and you're still shackled.

I WANT TO BURN A DIFFERENT KIND OF IMAGE INTO YOUR MIND:

Just imagine for a moment that this is reality:

You're on a battlefield. It's dark. Chaotic. Cold wind is whipping your face. The stench of death fills the air. Corpses of demons lie all around you...and the field is soaked in blood.

You can hear the sounds of armor and weapons colliding...sparks are flying. Screams pierce your ears.

You see chiseled, powerful beings radiating in white...and they're destroying shadows...gripping the throats of principalities and slitting them with iridescent blades.

But you're without armor. You wonder how you got to this place...and why you came unprepared.

Men that you recognize are rushing the opposite direction - spears aligned...ready to throw. Swords sharpened, shields fixed, helmets lowered...they're ready for battle. They're calling for you to join them. They're rushing for the the front lines - and they're unafraid. They know they've been given victory.

But not you...you've got your pants down around your ankles. You're roaming in circles looking for the seductress that's calling you by name.

You can't wait to fornicate on the battlefield.

And all the while, the Kingdom is coming. The lost are being found. The sick are being healed. Demonic assignments are being cancelled. The veil is being lifted off of Islam...and the persecuted church is exponentially growing in the face of opposition. Jesus is authoritatively mediating a covenant - and the Spirit is interceding for the children of God...breathing life into dry bones.

You? You want an orgasm.

LET ME REMIND YOU WHO YOU ARE:

You are God's child | John 1:12

You are a friend of Jesus | John 15:15

You have been justified | Romans 5:1

You've been united with the Lord and are one with him in Spirit | 1 Corinthians 6:17

You've been bought with a price...you belong to God | 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

You're a member of Christ's body | 1 Corinthians 12:27

You've been chosen by God and adopted as his child | Ephesians 1:3-8

You've been redeemed and forgiven of all your sins | Colossians 1:13-14

You are complete in Christ | Colossians 2:9-10

You have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus | Hebrews 4:14-16

You are free from condemnation | Romans 8:1-2

You cannot be separated from the love of God | Romans 8:28

You are free from any condemning charges against you | Romans 8:31-34

You've been established, anointed and sealed | 2 Corinthians 1:21-22

You were washed...you were sanctified. You were justified in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God | 1 Cor 6:11

You are hidden with Christ in God | Colossians 3:1-4

God started this work in you, and he will bring it to completion | Phil 1:6

You are a citizen of heaven | Philippians 3:20

You haven't been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind | 2 Timothy 1:7

You are born of God, and the evil one cannot touch you | 1 John 5:18

You are a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life | John 15:5

You have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit | John 15:16

You are God's temple | 1 Corinthians 3:16

You are a minister of reconciliation | 2 Corinthians 5:17-21

You are seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm | Ephesians 2:6

You are God's workmanship | Ephesians 2:10

You can approach God with freedom and confidence - not because of your obedience...but because of Jesus' obedience | Ephesians 3:12

When you are faithless, he will remain faithful...because he cannot disown himself | 2 Timothy 2:13

Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son?

This weekend I was preparing to do a presentation for a language evaluation in my Khmer class. Because I had been studying the book of Exodus with one of my teachers, he encouraged me to share about the life of Moses.  I was nervous about the idea of having to share because I am more confident in my listening abilities than speaking abilities. I tend to stumble over my words if I'm not really connected emotionally to the story even when speaking English. So when speaking Khmer, a language that I have to work very hard at if I want to express myself articulately, it's much easier to speak from my heart or from experience. 

The weekend had flown by with Chinese New Year celebrations & visiting friends (I'll write another blog just about that). I had yet to prepare what I was going to say and I was supposed to give my presentation to my teachers on Monday. As I laid down in my bed Sunday night I began to ask what the Lord wanted me to share.  How do I relate to Moses? What do I have in common with the Israelites? The more I began to think about these questions, the clearer it became & I had my topic. 

Cambodia has been like a desert season for me. Since I set foot in this country I've felt dry, thirsty & out of place. I've often felt like a wanderer with no purpose or the purpose hasn't been made clear. Like the Israelites, I've questioned God, His Presence & His purpose in my life. I've felt alone & misguided. I've made mistakes along the way & have failed to listen to His voice even when He has attempted to speak to me. I've often wondered, "How did I end up here?" 

The neat thing about the desert is that there is a purpose for it and we must all go through it. It is an in-between stage where one must learn to TRUST and WAIT on God.   Each of us is guaranteed to face desert seasons where we don't understand God or the process He is taking us through. Yet it is our responsibility to remain faithful and obedient to the Spirit of God as He leads us & TRUST that He will direct us in the right direction. It was necessary for the Israelites to go through the desert to get to the promised land. Though it is difficult, I'm learning to be thankful in this season. I'm learning that maybe the reason the Lord sent me out here isn't so much about the work that I would be doing for Him or for others but about the work He would be doing in me. 

I am being strengthened & refined. 

 It makes the desert worth it.

Phnom Penh just finished celebrating the Water Festival. This is a celebration usually marked by boat races and thousands of people swarming the city to attend all the festivities. If any of you recall hearing about the bridge stampede last year that killed over three hundred people, last week marked the one year anniversary of that tragedy. This years water festival was very different. The boat races were canceled because of the flooding & many people went home to their villages to be with their families instead of staying in the city. 

The girls and I had three days off from Daughters & language school. We decided to spend one of these days relaxing poolside at the Kabiki hotel, what feels like a tropical oasis hidden away from the dusty, busy city streets. It was an absolutely gorgeous day; a bit overcast & breezy. I lazily lounged while sipping my smoothie & reading my latest book of interest, "Blue Like Jazz," a very honest & witty account of one man's struggle through owning his faith. I am in a place where I can relate very well to the things he is expressing...almost as if they were my words. 

Because The Kabiki is a hotel that caters to families, soon I became distracted by three kids. There were two big kids probably about ten years old and the tag along brother who was probably no older than four and a half.  I watched as they played with their toy sharks as if there were no worries in the world. I observed as one kid naturally became the boss and assertively instructed the other two how toy sharks should be handled.   

The youngest eventually was left alone toy-less in the kiddy pool & as the big kids went on to play in the deeper waters. He immediately began whimpering under his breath for the plastic shark toy that he felt robbed of. His whimpering soon turned into a soft cry that eventually turned into weeping, then screaming as he threw a tantrum. 

I watched as his dad walked over to comfort him. He squatted down placing his hands on his sons shoulders as he gently spoke to him words of consolation. Unsurprisingly however, this father's patient attempt to calm his son only made things worse. His son chose to keep his eyes fixed on the problem rather than the love his father was trying to offer. "I want the shark!" he screamed as he stomped his little feet. Eventually mom came over to handle the rest of the situation and carried him away. His fit only grew worse. 

My initial reaction was to giggle a bit as I was amused by his cute, four and half year old tantrum. Soon my amusement turned into agitation as the pitch of his screeching yelps rose higher & louder & wouldn't stop. Finally they packed up their things a left. 

Little did I know God was going to use this child to school me.

 "How many times do you throw fits with Me when you don't get what you want out of me? How often do you refuse to accept the comfort I freely offer? How often are your eyes set on the 'toy shark' rather than My love? How often do you forfeit the blessing I have in store for you because you refuse to shift your focus?" 

I can't help but wonder how differently the situation would have played out if the boy would have chosen to receive the Father's comfort in exchange for the toy shark... 

Who Am I?

This is a question each of us is faced with in life. 

In fact, Who Am I? is such a prevalent question that it was even the title of todays sermon given in church. Hence, this blog.

Like it or not, our entire lives are built around this question.

Who Am I? Along with, who do others say that I am? 

We take all kinds of personality tests and self reflective analysis to get to "know" ourselves better. We try to pinpoint our gifts so that we can fulfill our God given purpose in life (assuming that we have one and are in some sort of pursuit to find it).

Today is my 24th birthday...Woohoo!!!

BUT... after the laughter & celebrations have subsided, when things have quieted down & I'm alone in my room at midnight, I'm left to ponder this question yet again...

Who Am I?

Who am I?  

When everything that I once found my identity in has suddenly been stripped from me.

Who am I? 

When I am surrounded by a people, language & culture that is different from anything I've ever known or understood.

Who am I? 

When things that once were easy have now become difficult tasks.

Who am I? 

When I left everything familiar to proclaim the goodness of the Gospel in a foreign country when I question its power in my own life.

I have no simple solution to this question...

Except that my prayer for this next year is that my identity would be found in Christ alone & that others would see Christ in me. 

I will leave you with this poem written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer whilst in prison before his execution for conspiring to assassinate Adolf Hitler. He was a great thinker and writer whose work is still impacting us today. 

"Who am I?" -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "Who am I?" in Letters & Papers From Prison (New York: Touchstone, 1953/1997), 347-8.